ps. The character "Des" is in fact "Desmond" from LOST. I could not resist.
Scene 4- Speakeasy
Clarence walks in, obviously discouraged and sits down at the bar.
Clarence: Hit me.
Des: What can I get for you brotha?
Clarence: Something strong. Really Strong.
Des: Coming right up.
Des, the bartender, prepares a drink for Clarence.
He hands the drink to Clarence.
Des: What’s on your mind brotha?
Clarence: Is it that obvious?
Clarence drinks the entire glass.
Des: Well most people who come in here in the morning normally have a reason to be here.
Clarence: (chuckles in self pity- the affects of the alcohol are kicking in) Another one of those please.
Des prepares another glass.
Clarence: Hey, I have a joke for you.
Des: (handing Clarence another drink) Hit me brotha.
Clarence: What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
Des: Moo-ve over.
Clarence: (slurred) Geese Louise. Umm Mr...
Clarence: (slurred) Misssssster Des.
Des: Listen brotha. Is it a girl?
Clarence: (slurred) Yoooou betchya.
Des: You obviously care about her, so what are you doing here? I suggest you go and get her.
Clarence: Yah, yah! That’s what I should do. Right now.
Clarence tries to stand up, but falls over. He gets up again and runs out the door as he yells,
Clarence: Here I come Opal!
Des: Other door brotha!
Clarence comes out of that door and runs through the correct door as he repeats himself.
Clarence: Here I come Opal!
Scene 5- Martin’s house
Clarence comes running to the front door.
Clarence pauses for a moment and presses his ear to the door. Martin is speaking on the phone.
Martin: (in a high pitched- girl voice) Hello?... Hi. This is Opal Wilder and I just wanted to make sure my thousand dollar life insurance was still in place-… oh it is? So if I just (pause) bump off any time soon, my kin will collect the dough?... (back to a normal voice) WONDERFUL! (clears throat—back to a high pitched-girl voice) Excuse me, I mean, Wonderful! It’s so nice to know my loved ones will be taken care of if anything should happen to me… you too. Thank you.
Martin hangs up.
Martin: (talking to himself) Let’s see here… Now all I need is to get her to the alter and give her the arsenic and then one thousand dollars is all mine.
Martin looks around.
Martin heads to the front door.
Clarence runs behind a bush.
Martin opens the door and sees no one. He goes back inside.
Clarence comes out of hiding and says:
Clarence: I’ve got to go warn Opal!
Martin comes behind him and knocks him out, drags him into his home and begins to stuff him in a wooden chest when Opal comes up to the door.
Opal: Yoohoo! Martin dear! It’s me! Opal!
Martin: (in forced calmness) Just a minute dear! I’m just making some… java!
Opal: Oh! Okay…. But can’t you open the door first and then continue making the java after?
Martin is still trying to hide Clarence in the chest.
Martin: Um, no. Making java is an art.
Clarence begins to come to.
Opal: Oh! Um… alright!
Clarence: Opal! Opal is that you?
Martin hurriedly places his hand over Clarence’s mouth. Clarence is struggling.
Opal: Clarence? Is Clarence in there? Well you can tell him, I don’t want to see him!
Martin: No. No. No. Clarence is most certainly NOT in here.
Clarence bites Martin’s hand on ‘NOT’ and Martin squirms.
Opal: Martin. This is ridiculous. I’m coming in!
Opal shoves open the door. By this time, Martin has forced Clarence almost all the way into the wooden chest. A wiggling foot is hanging out.
Opal: Oh my heavens! Is that a-a-a foot?
Martin elbows the foot in the chest and locks it.
Martin: So darling, what can I do for you?
Opal: (shrugs it off) Well tonight, there’s a party at Betsy’s and I was hoping you would accompany me!
A sound comes from within the chest.
Martin hits the top of it and smiles innocently.
Opal: Martin. What’s going on? Let me see what’s inside that chest!
Martin: NO! I mean, there’s nothing- it’s nothing. Shall we go to Betsy’s?
Opal: (hesitant) Sure… alright.
Martin escorts Opal out the house quickly. They both exit.
Meanwhile Clarence is still in the chest. He rocks it back and forth. It tips over.
Clarence: Oh bother.
Scene 6- Martin’s house. Later that night.
Martin and Opal come through the front door. Both exquisitely happy.
Martin: Opal. You are truly amazing.
Opal: Oh shucks Martin.
Martin: No, I mean it. Which is why I need to ask you something.
Opal: Anything Martin!
Martin: Will you marry me?
Opal: (obviously in shock. Clears her throat) Um. Martin, would you be so kind to get me a drink please?
Martin: (taken aback) Certainly.
Opal looks around and goes to the chest. She knocks on it.
Opal: Um. Excuse me? (There’s no answer) Hello? (still no answer. She turns the case the right way up. Takes a deep breath and opens it. She screams when she sees Clarence. He is asleep.) CLARENCE! Clarence wake up!
Clarence comes to.
Clarence: Opal! Where am I?
Opal: Did Martin do this to you?
Clarence: Martin… martin…. YES. MARTIN! (Clarence screams. Opal screams. Clarence screams. Opal screams)
Martin comes into the room with a drink for Opal and screams.
Clarence and Opal turn around and scream when they see Martin.
Martin: (flustered) Clarence! What are you doing in that chest?
Opal and Clarence look at each other. Bewildered. They break eye contact and Clarence says…
Clarence: Martin. I know about your plan. (to Opal) Cover your ears, my darling girl, you’re not going to want to hear this.
Opal obediently covers her ears. Clarence gets out of the chest to tell Martin the following:
Clarence: I know that you were planning to marry Opal and then kill her for the life insuarance money!
However, we cannot hear it because Opal’s covering her ears. We only see a mouthing and rather animated Clarence.
Opal uncovers her ears.
Opal: Is it safe?
Clarence: Yes, my darling girl. We are leaving.
Martin stands in front of the door.
Martin: I’m afraid that’s not an option. I guess I’ll just have… to kill you both.
Opal and Clarence gasp.
Suddenly and without warning, Des the bartender breaks down the door with a gun in one hand and a police badge in the other.
Des: Martin Widmore, You’re under arrest for the attempted murder of Opal Wilder and Clarence Jones.
Martin immediately puts his hands up.
Des: (to backup) Cuff him boys.
Backup obediently cuffs Martin and they exit.
Clarence: Des the bartender?
Des: Why yes that’s me brotha. Undercover bartender but still…
Opal: Oh thank you! Thank you so much! What can I ever do to repay you?
Des: How bout you marry this man?
Opal turns to Clarence and he is on one knee.
Clarence: Opal Wilder. Will you marry me?
Opal: YES! Of course I will marry you!
Des: All in a day’s work brotha.
While still in an embrace, Clarence begins to speak.
Clarence: Hey Opal-
Clarence: Knock knock…